Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Can I Really Do This Again?

I've written this post about a hundred times, sometimes making it as far as 3 sentences in, sometimes giving up after temporarily forgetting my password and writing nothing at all.  I've been afraid and overwhelmed.  Afraid that my words would be inadequate, sound trite, not convey what I really want to say.  Overwhelmed that some days I cannot string together a coherent thought, much less a group of sentences.

My oldest son died.

My son.  MY SON.

Spencer Duncan was a brave and honorable young man, 21 years old, serving his country when his helicopter was shot down in Afghanistan.  SHOT DOWN.  My son, my caring, brilliant, funny, adventurous, deeply curious, profoundly witty son will not be coming home.  And my heart is broken.

When I am able to string together words again, I will try to open the curtains and allow people to look into our grief.  That's a daunting task for me, because I am pretty certain I will never adequately convey how deeply we hurt or how well we have been cared for.  We are surrounded by amazing friends and family.  Our community has been incredibly respectful and caring. We are loved by our big God.  We are comforted by stories of Spencer from friends, co-workers, fellow soldiers, and strangers.

There are so many stories to tell, so many thoughts (however random they may be), so many ways we've been touched.  We've been blessed to come to know some truly amazing people through Spencer's death. We've been blessed to be reminded of some truly amazing people we already knew.  And, as weird as this may sound, we've been reminded of how truly amazing Spencer was.

And that is, I believe, why I will continue to write.  I will tell the stories.  I will introduce the heroes.  I will honor my son's sacrifice.  And with whatever time I have left on this earth, I will try to make a difference.

But mostly I will continue to write because I can still hear Spencer's voice asking me when I'm going to post another blog or write my book because he's running out of things to read.  What can I say?  The kid made me laugh, and he made me write.

19 comments:

Judy @ In His Grip said...

I cannot even tell you how much this made me smile today to see that you are writing. Looking forward to more posts, stories, and that book.

Carol said...

Megan, words cannot describe how you and Dale have impacted your community. The strength of faith and character required to share your grief in Spencer's loss is tremendous; no wonder you have a family of warriors. I'm not sure you will ever fully understand the difference you and Dale have made in our lives by allowing us - friends, acquaintances, neighbors, strangers, community - to support you in any way we can, regardless of how insignificant it may appear. Keep sharing, please; it makes us all better people.

The Wacky World of the Lyman's said...

It is great that you are writing again. I am sure he is happy to see u share your thoughts and feelings. I know your family has made more of a difference then you will ever know. Can't wait to read more memories and stories.

Carol said...

Oh, yeah - the answer to your question is: Yes! You just did :)

Anonymous said...

Write on sister. Please write on! I wish we could give you and Dale a glimpse of our hearts for our love and prayers for you. We are all in this together. Lifting your stretcher today as you will live all of our stretchers in the years to come. Love the DeWitts

JustTheMama said...

"I will try to make a difference."

Oh sweet, precious Megan, you already have. And I know you will continue to.

Jeremiah 33:3.

Love and prayers,
Mauva

Anonymous said...

We will make it count! Love you momma D

AP

DeAnna said...

My heart is full after reading that post for so many reasons. I love you.

Miss Lathrop said...

So happy you're doing this. I can't wait to keep reading.

You are LOVED!

David Truhett said...

I've always believed that God has given you the gift of wisdom/insight/counsel/inspiration ------ it's one gift with lots of functions, kind of like a Swiss army knife. And just like the Swiss army knife, it's got to be open if it's going to do the rest of us any good. So thanks for opening yourself up again in this way. In my single way-too-brief encounter with Spencer, he "made you" tell us a "revealing" story --- so yes, he's proud of you for getting back to this. Just make it count!

Cindy Ponder said...

So privileged to "peak inside the curtain". Thank you for sharing. In your strength (and your weak moments) you will strengthen the world.

Anonymous said...

So glad that you have started writing again! This is an inspiration to all!!
-Brittani Dremann

Anonymous said...

God Bless you for writing. Spencer would be proud of your courage. hugs, Denise

Anonymous said...

I know how hard this must've been...but, YAY for you for pushin through and doing it!! So proud of you.
I don't know you well, Megan, but I knew the moment I met you that you were an amazing, funny, kind, God loving woman....you'd make me cry and two seconds later make me laugh (or vice versa). I know you've been so blessed even through all your pain, but you must remember what a blessing you are to others. I didn't ever have the privelege of meeting Spencer, but I know he'd want you to keep blessing us all with your Motherwords:) I'm sure you will find even more healing through writing again.....
Love ya girl...and if you ever do write a book, I'll be one of the first in line to buy it:)
RaeAnn.

Anonymous said...

You are a huge inspiration to those you come in contact with through this blog and FB; The Colorado crew sends prayers and love to you and all of the Duncan family. Thank you for your courage and the wonderful reflection of our Fathers Love that you put out there for all of us to see. rog

Anonymous said...

Bravo! Imagine me standing and clapping! - love you and your family-DC

Anonymous said...

As I was attending a worship service recently with Shea, Rhea, and Kendrick, I was alternately rejoicing to have my son-in-law soldier home for 15 days R&R and weeping for the loss of Spencer. We rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Thanks for sharing. We love all of you.-Wendell

limitlesspacific@gmail.com said...

That just makes me want to jump on a rock, kick up my legs, and shout "Boc-a-doo!" I love your guts.

Lisa said...

Only another parent that has lost a child can begin to understand the loss. Even then, its different for everyone. Some are silent, because they don't know what to say, others chatter, because they don't know what to say. Just remember that others do care, but often don't know what you need or want. I wept, and I don't even know you. I don't have to, I know your pain. But I too, don't know what to say. Except, trust God, and if your boy is in heaven, take comfort in that.

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