For example, I blew up a computer one time. Not with explosives--merely with my presence. Perhaps it preferred self-destruction over even one more day of me blaming it for losing my documents or for not doing what I told it to do. But, in the spirit of total honesty, I must tell you that I talk to my computer and believe that what I tell it to do (using my voice) should take precedence over what I tell it to do with my fingers pushing the wrong keys. Who decided those were the wrong keys, anyway? And why can't my computer just understand what I want it to do without me having to tell it in the right ways? (Did anyone need any proof that computers are male?)
And then there's the printer. The last time I had to buy a printer was several years ago, about this time of year. I was ready to print our tax return when Original Printer said, "Um, no. I'm not going to do that. I am tired. You don't let me print pretty things, just boring documents. And I think that USB cord makes me look fat." (Did anyone need any proof that printers are female?)
So I replaced it, and Replacement Printer served me well. I could print from my camera. I could print from my SD card. I could even, and this is really amazing, print from my computer. I could make copies. I could scan stuff. And, by golly, it was kind of pretty.
The Replacement Printer/owner relationship wasn't without its own set of issues. For instance, for whatever reason, it would occasionally re-install its own software and rename itself. When I would get ready to print something, I had to scroll through the list of printers to see which name we were now using (we got up to "Copy 6"). And then it decided it would no longer print economically--only best quality for Replacement Printer. Not that most people would think that disastrous. It's just that 99% of what I need to print is stuff that will be recycled as soon as that project is over. Oh, and do you have to feed pages into your printer one sheet at a time so that it will work? Well, toward the end, I did. Yes, that's how committed I was to the relationship.
And then tax season came again. Because I am self-employed and my office is in our home, our tax return is about 73 pages long. Seriously? I thought about standing there, feeding one sheet at at time through Replacement Printer, and I decided it was time for a New One.
I can promise you that Replacement heard me talking about New One. Suddenly, Replacement would print more than one page at a time AND on the economy setting. I began to doubt the whole New One plan. I thought about how I was going to return New One to its cozy shelf at the manufacturer. I even thought about buying a new ink cartridge for Replacement Printer--perhaps even the tri-color kind.
And then, with no warning whatsoever, Replacement Printer resumed its nasty way of printing what it wanted to print, the way it wanted to print. No more economy setting. No more printing multiple pages. In fact, it quite suddenly decided to offer me four mangled sheets of paper for every one it printed correctly. Well, New One is now installed (not without a bit of difficulty, mind you). Apparently, they are very serious about doing the installation IN THE CORRECT ORDER. Whatever.
When Dale came home that night, I asked him to take the old Replacement Printer down to the basement, but to keep it in its upright position just in case I have to use it again. Yes, my new printer is brand new, but you just never know. Technology and I don't always get along.
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